The Journey

     My testing of my faith journey began last year.  Although the previous year had been challenging in many ways nothing prepared me for the journey that would test my faith in God more so then the year 2010.

     The previous year was not as bad as I thought it was, my father survived a cancer scare where he had part of his lung removed, my mother was holding up pretty well considering all of the stress sometimes she would fall ill because of stress but she was staying well because of  Dad.  I was working at a job that I truly detested with my heart and soul, and was very happy to have had a change of employment in mid 2009 I was much happier and smiling much more.  Life was finally turning around so I thought as the year 2009 progressed I was getting some positive feelings about 2010 this would be my year the year I could finally find a job where it was not in the retail sector that I finally would be able to use the education that I had received two prior years ago and finally have a life that was moving forward instead of backward.  Like I said was feeling pretty up about 2010, thanksgiving came and my mom fell ill on that day she had to not have dinner and go to bed and rest she was running a fever which she did more frequently in the winter months the doctors said there was nothing wrong but it seemed that something was going on.  Well, Christmas came and the day was not the happiest I might add, it was pouring down rain I had to lector at the 9:00am mass I got caught in the wind my umbrella was turned upside down and I was like a drenched rat not to mention that I could not attend a mass with my family which felt kind of sad and the feeling stayed with me all day and the next few days after that odd feeling like it was the last.  Well I stopped thinking about it and was looking so forward to the changes I was hoping for in the new year.  New years eve my parents always and I mean always, even the year my Dad had the malaria gone out for the new year.  This year they were home by 10:30pm did not have a good time nothing was going right and they were not very happy with how the evening went with their friends.  My mother had this bad feeling all night long like something was not right and that she felt down and had felt down since Christmas. I shared with her that I too was feeling a bit disconnected to everything and everyone and that I was feeling odd sort of not moving with how life was going but detaching from myself and watching someone else live my life I guess that is the best way to describe the feeling like it was happening to someone else and not myself then I said it can only get better from here because I think the worst is over and boy was I ever wrong, thus it was the beginning of the most challenging year of my life!

January 2010 started like most January's a little let down from the bustling of the holidays seeing friends that you have not communicated with all year and just plain getting back into the day to day routine of life.  I was given some good news I had some vacation time coming and was ready for the end of January to come because that vacation time was looming.  Finally when it got here I was ready for it.  During that week at home my mom fell ill again twice in one week not normal for her, I urged her to make a doctor appointment but she wanted to get to the dentist first and have a cap replaced well I accompanied her to the dentist and she was in good spirits that day.  Usually my dad took her but I was home and wanted to take her don't know why but thought I should.  She let me drive their new car but not share that with my dad he would had blown a gasket and she would  had been in trouble, I said nothing it was our secret.  We spent the rest of the day together talking and just visiting it was nice just to have that time with her I had not had that in a while with trying to find full time employment, school, certification tests and such their was very little free time but there it was now and I was enjoying it.  That Sunday afternoon she wanted me to show her how to use face book and I had said that I would well she went and laid down and fell asleep when she woke she did not feel very well and the fever had come back she stayed in bed so we postponed the face book teaching for another day. Well that Monday it was back to work for me and the schedule was brutal seven straight no time off, by the sixth day the first blow happened they were cutting back on people and hours, I was one of the cuts, I had lost my benefits to which I had just gotten in September of 2009 so again no health care coverage, no more paid holidays or vacations no nothing just working for the paycheck and working extremely hard for that paycheck it was devastating I was beginning not to like this new job so much and began to be unhappy again in what I was doing and very dissatisfied with life.  I would ask why me God why am I always having to be tested like this not sure why yet but that comes later.  Later that night I went home took out a wine glass said nothing to no one poured me some wine and just drank the whole thing in two gulps sat down and my mom asked what was wrong I just started crying and crying hard, I shared what happened I could tell she was worried about it by her look because it is not like me to just come in and pour something like wine and drink it so fast.  I finally broke down, it was so hard to get through the evening I had to work till closing and knowing what I had known about my future was a bit to much I needed to let it out.  I had finally settled down and began to rest thinking well I will get through this I am sure well I was scheduled the whole weekend to work and that was not an easy thing for me to do.  I began melting again on Sunday not being able to get through it very well.  I had to go in on Monday and then again on Tuesday by this time I was feeling a little better starting making some plans again back seeking employment and not having much luck doing that.  I had not been on an interview since August 2009 so the job prospects were far and few and not looking very positive for me but I was managing.  The first two weeks in February were hard but made it through.  Then one of the neighbors had passed he was ill for a while and was doing poorly over the last several months.  I would attend the funeral with my parents as I sat between my mother and father I thought his children were younger then myself and they lost their dad how would I feel about that all of a sudden a wave of sadness hit and I could not stop crying, I left the church and headed for work but not before crying my eyes out at the thought of the losing of ones parent.  It stayed with me all day and into the evening.  That Sunday it snowed and Monday I was expected to go to work I called in I just could not go in I was not in the mood to battle the elements outside and I wanted to be home I was feeling sad since Saturday.  I went into work on that Tuesday and still did not feel right about being away was feeling quite anxious and alone even though I knew I wasn't it still felt like I was.  Left work and had to attend a meeting had not been home all day and did not get home until 8:00pm that evening to find that my mom was ill and her fever was back.  I was off on Wednesday and said that if she wanted to go to the doctor I would take her snow or no snow.  She said she would feel better by the morning.  She got up to have her breakfast around 9:00am she said she still was feeling awful, and that she could not get warm, I grew concerned she did not look good the coloring was scary and she was shaking, we had breakfast and she went to bed, she was shaking, I was making phone calls to get things moving for my commission that I head and chair in my parish when my dad yelled for me to come help him my mom's fever was hiked up to 103 and she was not coherent I don't think I had ever seen the color in my dad's face go so white before that day.  I had to help him get her dressed she was not responding I was holding her it was like she was gone from us my dad called 911  I was scared I thought she had a stroke as I held my mom her near lifeless body I began to cry remembering that we never set up her face book account and might not have an opportunity to set it up.  They finally came it seemed like hours we dashed to the hospital both my sisters were there upon my arrival and my niece, they took my mom and got her started on a drip of antibiotics it seemed to be working she was coming back to us.  The blood work showed she had a blood infection caused by a bladder infection that was left undetected for a period of time you see her doctor did not pay attention to her,she had told him her symptoms but they were ignored that was not a good sign you see my mother was sepsis and that is a very, very serious thing to get rid of all kinds of complications could occur and so we knew she would be in the hospital for awhile, the fever was gone she was back and could not believe what happened to her.  I said to her that I would cancel her hair appointment for Thursday and let them know she would call when she was well again to have her hair done she told me to do that twice before I left her I told her that I loved her and I would see her tomorrow, little did I know that that would be the last conversation that I had with my mother because the next morning at 4:00am we got a call telling us she was not doing well and was in a coma and on a ventilator to help her breath and a feeding tube for nourishment.   When my sister left her that night after she got her room she was up and seeming to do well watching television and getting ready to sleep.  Getting to the hospital that next morning was a process my head had to wrap around the realization that we might loose her. When I arrived I was devastated at what I seen machines taking place of what we so take for granted breathing, eating and simple bodily functions, she had no control they strapped her down because she appeared a bit restless the blood pressure was not stabilized and she was not fully depending on the ventilator yet but that would come soon.