The Journey(con't)

  As the day wore on so did our nerves start to frey.  We all needed down time.  My dad went to bed he was very tired as I was but I had to look through the photo albums to pick out pictures for the memory boards to be on displayed at the funeral home.  As I looked through the albums at all of us I realized my mortality and began to ponder on what accomplishments had been made in my life thus far.  Looking and wondering what I could had done differently in my own life that may have made my mother more proud of me and that she did not have to worry so much about me. I have had a bit of a rough road the last five years, begining with losing my employment of 28years, going back to school only to find that the ecconomy was tanking and that my certification in the field of Medical Insurance billing and coding now required not only certification but a degree no less, I ended up jumping back into retail which was something I had said I did not want to do but had no choice   however, only part time the money is bad and the hours really are taxing I had no choice, my mom did feel bad about this and I wish things would had been different but they were not she left this life thinking I won't be able to survive without her and my dad that just breaks my heart.  Well after crying for about an hour I decided it was time for me to retire for the evening because the next few days were most likely going to be very long ones.

Getting up early was not something I was use to very often had to work the late shift quite frequently but got up the next day and proceeded to go to the church to pick up the readings and the music selections for my mothers mass.  I was to do the first reading at her funeral mass, my cousin Joseph was to do the second reading they were set to arrive on Wednesday from Washington D.C. with my moms yougest sister .  My mom's brother and his wife were to arrive on Tuesday afternoon so things were really rolling and fast.

We went to the cemetary with my dad to pick their plots out that was the only thing not drawn out.  My dad picked a piece of land(which he calls the farm) where my mom and he will lie for eternal rest in the Guradian Angel section it has beautiful trees she is burried under a magnificant oak so it is shaded in the summer.  It was cold and there was snow on the ground so we could not walk out to really see it.  The grave stone had been picked out and was to arrive shortly before her birthday that year, she would had been 75 on that birthday.  My sisters were off to the florists, I went home and my dad wanted to rest.  We put together the boards later that afternoon and then I had to sit down and write the Eulogy for my mom it took nearly two hours of sitting and wondering what to say.  But I did come up with a beautiful tribute. 

Born June 4,1935 Frances Moreira to Antonio and Lucy Moreira in Brooklyn New York.
The second of four children
Two sisters one older (Marie) one younger (Rosie)
One younger Brother Anthony
She loved being at her grandparents home.
She loved her Aunt Katie and Aunt Mary
She loved going shopping with her Aunt Mary in Manhattan.
She had many Aunts and Uncles and lots of cousins.
She was a graduate Prospect Park High School Brooklyn New York.
She walked through the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens everyday to go to high school.
Her first Job was in Manhattan with C.W. Woolworth and Co.
She met a good life long friend Marcella.
Secretary for Bigelow Sanford Carpet Company.
She met another lifelong friend Rose.
Met William Marshall in July of 1954 who proposed to Frances on their first real date and she accepted over pizza.
They were married the following April 17, 1955.
She came to Michigan to meet her in-laws for her honeymoon.
Frances began her married life living in New York for two years before coming to Michigan to start her family.
Frances became a mother for the first time in April 1958 to a daughter named Deborah Ann thirteen months later Cynthia Renee and then four years later to the youngest of the girls Mary Lucille.
She loved to go shopping with her girls for back to school clothes.
She got her hair done every Friday with Edna.
She did not like the winter and loved the spring and summer.
She was a city girl but appreciated what nature had to offer.
When her girls were school age you could always find Frances volunteering for something for her girls.
She was a Brownie Co-leader where she met a lifelong friend Helen.
She loved to decorate the house for Christmas and always baked the family favorite cookies and gave them to friends.
She worked for Honeywell as a secretary for a short time then worked for the Westland Chamber of Commerce.
She was an awesome Wife to William for 54  years.
She was a loving mother to her children Deborah, Cynthia and Mary.
She loved her Grandchildren Daniel, Michael and Sara.
She was a good mother in law to Tony and Ken.
And she had a deep faith in God and knew that when God came for her that her family would all be there we were all blessed to have known her and loved her she will be greatly missed by all who had the honor of knowing who she was

All who were there said it was a fitting tribute to a remarkable kind and loving women I

The Journey

We gathered my mothers belongings though few and proceeded to leave the hospital in tears.  I reached my car and the first person I called was my friend Mary, I wanted to ask her to sing the "Ave Maria" at the funeral mass I was going to be in charge of the mass the readings who would be doing them and the music selection.  She has a voice like an angel and my mom loved listening to her sing every chance she had so I wanted to honor my mother in this special way the "Ave Maria" was her favorite hymn.   I finished my conversation with a heavy heart knowing that the next few days were going to be the hardest days of my life.

When I arrived home, my family was in the kitchen everyone had cell phones out and were calling various family and close family friends of my mothers passing I grabbed the phone book and started to call people.  I was to call my mothers life long friend from New York and let her know my mother had passed she was crushed I heard she gasped at the news.  After she let it sink in she said for me to call if we needed anything and that she would be there even just to talk she was like a second mother to me when we would visit I remembered having fun at her house with her girls and my sisters and we would play for hours on end we did not want to leave.  My mom loved her and she loved my mom.   Then I had to call another friend of my mothers who also lived in New York, she too was as upset these two incredible women were very close with my mom.  As I hung up the phone with the second phone call my dad said to my sisters and myself that we had to pick out something for her to wear, but first we needed to go to the funeral home and make the arrangements.  As we all piled in my dad's car to go to the funeral home we were all very quiet I remember thinking I was in a dream and this was not happening and I would wake up and this would have been a bad dream but it wasn't it was happening and I remember feeling very overwhelmed at that moment.  We walked into the funeral home still quiet and solemn there were no rooms occupied but that was about to change.  We walked into the office where we sat there to go over the details, did not realize how much was involved in the process we even had to word the obituary which was placed in the newspapers.  We also had to pick out the prayer card, plan a rosary or scripture service then we had to choose her casket and where we were to have her buried.  We picked a casket that resembled the type of person she was, it was a brass tone with the Last Supper placed all around with a white pillow and satin lining it was a far as caskets go beautiful.  She would had been pleased then we all picked out the burial plot at a cemetery which is located close by my sisters home and not far at all from the rest of us and not to mention around the corner from where I work.  We made the arrangements and left there not as quiet but sharing in the experience of grief.

When we arrived home we had to pick what she would be buried in.  That was one of the hardest things we had to do.  My mom had some very nice things and it was going to be a difficult task so after visiting her closet and going through everything we made a decision and picked one.  It was a skirt and blouse with a beautiful red jacket she would wear pearl earrings with a nice neck chain my dad had her wedding band at home and was not buried with her.

The Journey

      As my family gathered during the day coming and going I could see that it was ripping all of us in a way that nothing else had ever done.  Later that day the doctors came in for an evaluation of the situation.  Although I was not there at the time went home to rest a bit before going back up again for the evening, my sister called and said the doctors were not holding much hope for her and they were pretty much writing her off.  I began to cry and say why, they gave us no hope.  What were we going to do next?  There were still signs of life her heart was still beating on it's own and she was showing little signs of stabilizing but not enough for the doctors they were pretty infatic about the prognosis and that was very hard to take.  We had to make some decisions and we had to turn to our faith to do it.  The next day there were some very positive signs early her blood pressure was stable she was showing signs of responding mom was continuing to fight and we were hopeful again, but as the day progressed she was showing signs of deterioration of her progress once again the blood pressure then she was having more difficulties internal bleeding was occurring and that was not good at all.  When we left her that night we were hoping that it would change around by morning but alas that would not happen.  We received that call early that Saturday morning it was snowy and icy outside about 4:30am they said we had better get to the hospital she was dying and did not know how long she would hold on.  That had to had been the longest drive to the hospital, my family again was gathered in her room looking at her laying there almost lifeless just reminded me at how much we take people in our lives for granted and that we never think something like this would happen to someone we hold dear to us.  We were told a decision needed to be made and soon because there was nothing more they could do she would probably never come out of her coma and she was bleeding internally and it was not stopping she was suffering.  My dad had to make that decision with our help as that Saturday dragged on and the fact we were tired we came to a decision that was one of the hardest we had ever made we decided to take her off of the artificial things that were keeping her alive, we were going to do that Sunday morning after a Cardiologist paid a visit along with a Neurologist to see if their was brain activity.  Sunday morning we gathered with the doctors the diagnosis was brain had ceased to show any activity probably stopped somewhere between Friday and Saturday and her heart although beating strong and showing no signs of letting go any time soon however with everything else occurring she was gone from us she would had been in a coma for the rest of her days had she remained on the machines so immediately by 10:30am that Sunday morning February 28,2010 the papers were signed and we were having her taken off the machines except the feeding tube.  She was taken off life support at approx 11:20am and her death was called by 11:30am she passed into eternal life,  I held her hand the whole entire time and it was the most beautiful experience to be there when someone passes I felt her spirit  leave the energy in her hands and knew the exact minute before it was pronounced that she was gone from us I said I will see you again mom and I did love you so much more then you knew.  I will miss you the rest of the days of my life.

The Journey

     My testing of my faith journey began last year.  Although the previous year had been challenging in many ways nothing prepared me for the journey that would test my faith in God more so then the year 2010.

     The previous year was not as bad as I thought it was, my father survived a cancer scare where he had part of his lung removed, my mother was holding up pretty well considering all of the stress sometimes she would fall ill because of stress but she was staying well because of  Dad.  I was working at a job that I truly detested with my heart and soul, and was very happy to have had a change of employment in mid 2009 I was much happier and smiling much more.  Life was finally turning around so I thought as the year 2009 progressed I was getting some positive feelings about 2010 this would be my year the year I could finally find a job where it was not in the retail sector that I finally would be able to use the education that I had received two prior years ago and finally have a life that was moving forward instead of backward.  Like I said was feeling pretty up about 2010, thanksgiving came and my mom fell ill on that day she had to not have dinner and go to bed and rest she was running a fever which she did more frequently in the winter months the doctors said there was nothing wrong but it seemed that something was going on.  Well, Christmas came and the day was not the happiest I might add, it was pouring down rain I had to lector at the 9:00am mass I got caught in the wind my umbrella was turned upside down and I was like a drenched rat not to mention that I could not attend a mass with my family which felt kind of sad and the feeling stayed with me all day and the next few days after that odd feeling like it was the last.  Well I stopped thinking about it and was looking so forward to the changes I was hoping for in the new year.  New years eve my parents always and I mean always, even the year my Dad had the malaria gone out for the new year.  This year they were home by 10:30pm did not have a good time nothing was going right and they were not very happy with how the evening went with their friends.  My mother had this bad feeling all night long like something was not right and that she felt down and had felt down since Christmas. I shared with her that I too was feeling a bit disconnected to everything and everyone and that I was feeling odd sort of not moving with how life was going but detaching from myself and watching someone else live my life I guess that is the best way to describe the feeling like it was happening to someone else and not myself then I said it can only get better from here because I think the worst is over and boy was I ever wrong, thus it was the beginning of the most challenging year of my life!

January 2010 started like most January's a little let down from the bustling of the holidays seeing friends that you have not communicated with all year and just plain getting back into the day to day routine of life.  I was given some good news I had some vacation time coming and was ready for the end of January to come because that vacation time was looming.  Finally when it got here I was ready for it.  During that week at home my mom fell ill again twice in one week not normal for her, I urged her to make a doctor appointment but she wanted to get to the dentist first and have a cap replaced well I accompanied her to the dentist and she was in good spirits that day.  Usually my dad took her but I was home and wanted to take her don't know why but thought I should.  She let me drive their new car but not share that with my dad he would had blown a gasket and she would  had been in trouble, I said nothing it was our secret.  We spent the rest of the day together talking and just visiting it was nice just to have that time with her I had not had that in a while with trying to find full time employment, school, certification tests and such their was very little free time but there it was now and I was enjoying it.  That Sunday afternoon she wanted me to show her how to use face book and I had said that I would well she went and laid down and fell asleep when she woke she did not feel very well and the fever had come back she stayed in bed so we postponed the face book teaching for another day. Well that Monday it was back to work for me and the schedule was brutal seven straight no time off, by the sixth day the first blow happened they were cutting back on people and hours, I was one of the cuts, I had lost my benefits to which I had just gotten in September of 2009 so again no health care coverage, no more paid holidays or vacations no nothing just working for the paycheck and working extremely hard for that paycheck it was devastating I was beginning not to like this new job so much and began to be unhappy again in what I was doing and very dissatisfied with life.  I would ask why me God why am I always having to be tested like this not sure why yet but that comes later.  Later that night I went home took out a wine glass said nothing to no one poured me some wine and just drank the whole thing in two gulps sat down and my mom asked what was wrong I just started crying and crying hard, I shared what happened I could tell she was worried about it by her look because it is not like me to just come in and pour something like wine and drink it so fast.  I finally broke down, it was so hard to get through the evening I had to work till closing and knowing what I had known about my future was a bit to much I needed to let it out.  I had finally settled down and began to rest thinking well I will get through this I am sure well I was scheduled the whole weekend to work and that was not an easy thing for me to do.  I began melting again on Sunday not being able to get through it very well.  I had to go in on Monday and then again on Tuesday by this time I was feeling a little better starting making some plans again back seeking employment and not having much luck doing that.  I had not been on an interview since August 2009 so the job prospects were far and few and not looking very positive for me but I was managing.  The first two weeks in February were hard but made it through.  Then one of the neighbors had passed he was ill for a while and was doing poorly over the last several months.  I would attend the funeral with my parents as I sat between my mother and father I thought his children were younger then myself and they lost their dad how would I feel about that all of a sudden a wave of sadness hit and I could not stop crying, I left the church and headed for work but not before crying my eyes out at the thought of the losing of ones parent.  It stayed with me all day and into the evening.  That Sunday it snowed and Monday I was expected to go to work I called in I just could not go in I was not in the mood to battle the elements outside and I wanted to be home I was feeling sad since Saturday.  I went into work on that Tuesday and still did not feel right about being away was feeling quite anxious and alone even though I knew I wasn't it still felt like I was.  Left work and had to attend a meeting had not been home all day and did not get home until 8:00pm that evening to find that my mom was ill and her fever was back.  I was off on Wednesday and said that if she wanted to go to the doctor I would take her snow or no snow.  She said she would feel better by the morning.  She got up to have her breakfast around 9:00am she said she still was feeling awful, and that she could not get warm, I grew concerned she did not look good the coloring was scary and she was shaking, we had breakfast and she went to bed, she was shaking, I was making phone calls to get things moving for my commission that I head and chair in my parish when my dad yelled for me to come help him my mom's fever was hiked up to 103 and she was not coherent I don't think I had ever seen the color in my dad's face go so white before that day.  I had to help him get her dressed she was not responding I was holding her it was like she was gone from us my dad called 911  I was scared I thought she had a stroke as I held my mom her near lifeless body I began to cry remembering that we never set up her face book account and might not have an opportunity to set it up.  They finally came it seemed like hours we dashed to the hospital both my sisters were there upon my arrival and my niece, they took my mom and got her started on a drip of antibiotics it seemed to be working she was coming back to us.  The blood work showed she had a blood infection caused by a bladder infection that was left undetected for a period of time you see her doctor did not pay attention to her,she had told him her symptoms but they were ignored that was not a good sign you see my mother was sepsis and that is a very, very serious thing to get rid of all kinds of complications could occur and so we knew she would be in the hospital for awhile, the fever was gone she was back and could not believe what happened to her.  I said to her that I would cancel her hair appointment for Thursday and let them know she would call when she was well again to have her hair done she told me to do that twice before I left her I told her that I loved her and I would see her tomorrow, little did I know that that would be the last conversation that I had with my mother because the next morning at 4:00am we got a call telling us she was not doing well and was in a coma and on a ventilator to help her breath and a feeding tube for nourishment.   When my sister left her that night after she got her room she was up and seeming to do well watching television and getting ready to sleep.  Getting to the hospital that next morning was a process my head had to wrap around the realization that we might loose her. When I arrived I was devastated at what I seen machines taking place of what we so take for granted breathing, eating and simple bodily functions, she had no control they strapped her down because she appeared a bit restless the blood pressure was not stabilized and she was not fully depending on the ventilator yet but that would come soon.