After the passing of my dear aunt during the holidays, my dad decided to make the trip to Indiana by himself not what we wanted to hear because after all it is Michigan and it is the winter. We had to rely on our faith that he would be able to travel safely to his destination and safely back home. In the next two days after he left and the house again was empty. I had lots of fun things planned for this holiday some of which I wanted to bow out of, but I did not and was happy that I didn't because I was having so much fun with my friends that in some parts of my mind I felt a little guilty, however I got this overwhelming feeling that it was suppose to be this way, I can not begin to share that it was just what I needed to help me round out this tremulous year. My dad was home the day before this year was going to end and he was as happy as myself to see it end and to begin anew.
As 2010 drew to a close, I began to reflect on what had happened it had started out quiet with anticipation of great things that were suppose to happen except it turned into a very trying and taxing and a year full of so many tragic things to hit our lives in a way we never thought would happen for us. It was a year of great losses and little gain except that when all was said and done it drew us closer as a family something that had not been there or was but taken for granted and not given much thought. The relationship with my two sisters was always close but we have grown closer. The relationship with my father had always been strained but I believe it has grown stronger and we are bonding closer. Sometimes when someone close to you dies it leaves a void in your heart you can either succumb to the loss and never open your heart again or you can try to draw closer those who share the same loss as you to help you get through it and that is what I did with my faith in God much stronger.
The year was a test a test of our wills, a test of our strengths and a test of our weaknesses. We were just then beginning to start to accept the things that had happened and move forward.
The year was over we breath a sigh of relief and it was time to move on. January flew by and February was here it will be a year since my mother passed hard to believe it was already here one year. About two weeks before the anniversary we planned on all being together for the day. We would go to mass as a family, go to the cemetery, then all sit and have dinner together the plans were made.
My dad decided before the anniversary that there was something else missing that is when he decided we needed new life into our family so he got a puppy for us to focus on. We named him Frankie after my mother he has brought so much love into this empty home and has given all of us a new focus what a little joy he has been and he has been a healer. When I am feeling blue he is there to comfort me and to keep me entertained and active. He has also helped me to make promises to myself to stay healthy I made a big decision and a promise to do just that.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The Journey
My decisions were made and I was beginning to put a plan in place that plan would involve me getting things in order. I began to see myself differently a little more grown and a little more wiser. Now the holidays were coming and that was going to be difficult but I promised myself to keep it as normal as possible. I participated in the usual traditions, holiday nights at Greenfield Village, sing a long with a hay ride with friends, Christmas caroling with my friends, baking cookies all the things that are special about the holidays. It was fun and I felt like my mom was there with us.
The holidays were upon us and we really were at a loss of weather to decorate the house or not. We decorated because my mother would had wanted it that way. I did the tree which was a surprise to me because it was the very first time I did it by myself it was a fun project and one I know I will enjoy for years to come. I also enjoyed decorating the house with the holly and the little figures placed around the family gathering space the kitchen was decorated too. I choose Christmas Eve to set up the village something she loved to do and I set aside that night to make it special. I loved doing this by myself it gave me so much pleasure. Now I had already wrapped all the gifts and done my part for dinner so I put on my new pajamas my mom always got me a new pair every year and I stayed with the tradition with my sisters to get theirs with the gift cards that she did not use they came in handy when I needed to get them theirs it felt as if she bought them and they were from her. Christmas day was finally here and we were in a festive mood, my dad was feeling down but it was the first holiday without her then we got a call during dinner my dear Aunt whom my dad loved dearly had passed away on Christmas day it was now a sad time again and we were not in the mood for the holiday.
The holidays were upon us and we really were at a loss of weather to decorate the house or not. We decorated because my mother would had wanted it that way. I did the tree which was a surprise to me because it was the very first time I did it by myself it was a fun project and one I know I will enjoy for years to come. I also enjoyed decorating the house with the holly and the little figures placed around the family gathering space the kitchen was decorated too. I choose Christmas Eve to set up the village something she loved to do and I set aside that night to make it special. I loved doing this by myself it gave me so much pleasure. Now I had already wrapped all the gifts and done my part for dinner so I put on my new pajamas my mom always got me a new pair every year and I stayed with the tradition with my sisters to get theirs with the gift cards that she did not use they came in handy when I needed to get them theirs it felt as if she bought them and they were from her. Christmas day was finally here and we were in a festive mood, my dad was feeling down but it was the first holiday without her then we got a call during dinner my dear Aunt whom my dad loved dearly had passed away on Christmas day it was now a sad time again and we were not in the mood for the holiday.
The Journey
As the weeks and months passed things were at a stand still. Going through the motions is what the experts say you look for a sense of some normalcy that is never going to be what you think is normal again. My dad took ill about two months after my mothers death and he landed himself in the hospital with extremely low blood pressure the doctors could not figure out what was going on so he was admitted the first time for three days then back home, two days later back in the hospital but this time it was something more critical he had a blockage in the main artery in the left leg that needed to be opened up so he was back in the hospital. We had a month of this back and forth to the hospital then finally he began to get better. Spring was finally beginning to show it self and the mood was getting lighter. We all began to feel like smiling and we began a new normal.
May was here and things were finally looking a little better. First Holy Communion season was upon me and I was busy getting ready for the kids receiving. I was feeling like things were moving in the right direction although had some signs of sadness but worked through it. Went to parties that afternoon, first time I really socialized with people since my mothers passing and it felt good to be out and socializing again it made me feel happy to be with people. The last few months had been taxing and I needed to be with people again. As that weekend progressed I began feeling ill a tightness in my chest and excessive sneezing and a very sore throat I was getting a cold. And did I ever get sick. My sister had to take me to the urgent care because it felt as if my lung collapsed I was in a great deal of discomfort that I was crying because it hurt so much when I would take a breath, found out that I had bruised my ribs from the coughing and my breathing was very labored and I had a massive sinus infection I missed about three days of work then started to feel better.
Finally feeling better things were moving right along, the first mothers day was hard, her first birthday without her was most difficult for all of us then the summer was here. I would stop at the cemetery on my way home from work I had tied an angel to her shepherds hook that had her mothers day plant on it. I said it was to keep her company while we were not there, that sounds silly but gave me comfort in knowing we did not dessert her in any way. I was really missing her and our talks.
My dad seemed to be doing a lot better seeing friends, playing golf, went on little trips for long weekends. I too was enjoying the summer best as I could with no real vacation in sight however, I was building a stronger relationship with God. You see since my mom passed I was afraid of death then I come to the conclusion that it is not death that we are afraid of so much but the how we die will we suffer, will we die alone, will people come to honor my memory you begin to ask those questions that is when by the end of the summer said I should do something for me and only me to get myself together. That is when I had made my decision.
May was here and things were finally looking a little better. First Holy Communion season was upon me and I was busy getting ready for the kids receiving. I was feeling like things were moving in the right direction although had some signs of sadness but worked through it. Went to parties that afternoon, first time I really socialized with people since my mothers passing and it felt good to be out and socializing again it made me feel happy to be with people. The last few months had been taxing and I needed to be with people again. As that weekend progressed I began feeling ill a tightness in my chest and excessive sneezing and a very sore throat I was getting a cold. And did I ever get sick. My sister had to take me to the urgent care because it felt as if my lung collapsed I was in a great deal of discomfort that I was crying because it hurt so much when I would take a breath, found out that I had bruised my ribs from the coughing and my breathing was very labored and I had a massive sinus infection I missed about three days of work then started to feel better.
Finally feeling better things were moving right along, the first mothers day was hard, her first birthday without her was most difficult for all of us then the summer was here. I would stop at the cemetery on my way home from work I had tied an angel to her shepherds hook that had her mothers day plant on it. I said it was to keep her company while we were not there, that sounds silly but gave me comfort in knowing we did not dessert her in any way. I was really missing her and our talks.
My dad seemed to be doing a lot better seeing friends, playing golf, went on little trips for long weekends. I too was enjoying the summer best as I could with no real vacation in sight however, I was building a stronger relationship with God. You see since my mom passed I was afraid of death then I come to the conclusion that it is not death that we are afraid of so much but the how we die will we suffer, will we die alone, will people come to honor my memory you begin to ask those questions that is when by the end of the summer said I should do something for me and only me to get myself together. That is when I had made my decision.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The Journey
As the days after her funeral things were starting to get back to a new normal without my mom. It was a weird feeling at first I wanted to hear her voice even if it were to yell at me I missed her so much I had no one to converse with in the evening, my dad is not much for conversing with he just gives his opinions and that is fine when asking for one but not good at listening. My mom would listen no matter how trivial she would listen. For instance she always knew when something was wrong, example, when I lost my benefits and part time status at my job she knew just by the way I looked.
I came into the house with a very sad and defeated look on my face. I took my coat off and headed for the kitchen took down a wine glass and poured a glass of wine. Some might say well that is not something strange but for me it was, I don't really drink and I needed one that night after the day that I had, she knew and said what is wrong, I shared and cried and told her I feel like I am spinning into a hole and I can not climb out. Little did I know at that time that we would never talk like that again and I would never hear her advice on such matters. For it was within a week she began her illness that took her life.
There were many nights after she was gone that I cried. I cried because I did not always tell her how I felt or what I was feeling I should had done that more often but always assumed there was time. I learned life was fleeting and you need to tell the people who mean the world to you that you need to tell them now.
I came into the house with a very sad and defeated look on my face. I took my coat off and headed for the kitchen took down a wine glass and poured a glass of wine. Some might say well that is not something strange but for me it was, I don't really drink and I needed one that night after the day that I had, she knew and said what is wrong, I shared and cried and told her I feel like I am spinning into a hole and I can not climb out. Little did I know at that time that we would never talk like that again and I would never hear her advice on such matters. For it was within a week she began her illness that took her life.
There were many nights after she was gone that I cried. I cried because I did not always tell her how I felt or what I was feeling I should had done that more often but always assumed there was time. I learned life was fleeting and you need to tell the people who mean the world to you that you need to tell them now.
Monday, February 21, 2011
The Journey(con't)
As the day wore on so did our nerves start to frey. We all needed down time. My dad went to bed he was very tired as I was but I had to look through the photo albums to pick out pictures for the memory boards to be on displayed at the funeral home. As I looked through the albums at all of us I realized my mortality and began to ponder on what accomplishments had been made in my life thus far. Looking and wondering what I could had done differently in my own life that may have made my mother more proud of me and that she did not have to worry so much about me. I have had a bit of a rough road the last five years, begining with losing my employment of 28years, going back to school only to find that the ecconomy was tanking and that my certification in the field of Medical Insurance billing and coding now required not only certification but a degree no less, I ended up jumping back into retail which was something I had said I did not want to do but had no choice however, only part time the money is bad and the hours really are taxing I had no choice, my mom did feel bad about this and I wish things would had been different but they were not she left this life thinking I won't be able to survive without her and my dad that just breaks my heart. Well after crying for about an hour I decided it was time for me to retire for the evening because the next few days were most likely going to be very long ones.
Getting up early was not something I was use to very often had to work the late shift quite frequently but got up the next day and proceeded to go to the church to pick up the readings and the music selections for my mothers mass. I was to do the first reading at her funeral mass, my cousin Joseph was to do the second reading they were set to arrive on Wednesday from Washington D.C. with my moms yougest sister . My mom's brother and his wife were to arrive on Tuesday afternoon so things were really rolling and fast.
We went to the cemetary with my dad to pick their plots out that was the only thing not drawn out. My dad picked a piece of land(which he calls the farm) where my mom and he will lie for eternal rest in the Guradian Angel section it has beautiful trees she is burried under a magnificant oak so it is shaded in the summer. It was cold and there was snow on the ground so we could not walk out to really see it. The grave stone had been picked out and was to arrive shortly before her birthday that year, she would had been 75 on that birthday. My sisters were off to the florists, I went home and my dad wanted to rest. We put together the boards later that afternoon and then I had to sit down and write the Eulogy for my mom it took nearly two hours of sitting and wondering what to say. But I did come up with a beautiful tribute.
Born June 4,1935 Frances Moreira to Antonio and Lucy Moreira in Brooklyn New York.
The second of four children
Two sisters one older (Marie) one younger (Rosie)
One younger Brother Anthony
She loved being at her grandparents home.
She loved her Aunt Katie and Aunt Mary
She loved going shopping with her Aunt Mary in Manhattan.
She had many Aunts and Uncles and lots of cousins.
She was a graduate Prospect Park High School Brooklyn New York.
She walked through the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens everyday to go to high school.
Her first Job was in Manhattan with C.W. Woolworth and Co.
She met a good life long friend Marcella.
Secretary for Bigelow Sanford Carpet Company.
She met another lifelong friend Rose.
Met William Marshall in July of 1954 who proposed to Frances on their first real date and she accepted over pizza.
They were married the following April 17, 1955.
She came to Michigan to meet her in-laws for her honeymoon.
Frances began her married life living in New York for two years before coming to Michigan to start her family.
Frances became a mother for the first time in April 1958 to a daughter named Deborah Ann thirteen months later Cynthia Renee and then four years later to the youngest of the girls Mary Lucille.
She loved to go shopping with her girls for back to school clothes.
She got her hair done every Friday with Edna.
She did not like the winter and loved the spring and summer.
She was a city girl but appreciated what nature had to offer.
When her girls were school age you could always find Frances volunteering for something for her girls.
She was a Brownie Co-leader where she met a lifelong friend Helen.
She loved to decorate the house for Christmas and always baked the family favorite cookies and gave them to friends.
She worked for Honeywell as a secretary for a short time then worked for the Westland Chamber of Commerce.
She was an awesome Wife to William for 54 years.
She was a loving mother to her children Deborah, Cynthia and Mary.
She loved her Grandchildren Daniel, Michael and Sara.
She was a good mother in law to Tony and Ken.
And she had a deep faith in God and knew that when God came for her that her family would all be there we were all blessed to have known her and loved her she will be greatly missed by all who had the honor of knowing who she was
All who were there said it was a fitting tribute to a remarkable kind and loving women I
Getting up early was not something I was use to very often had to work the late shift quite frequently but got up the next day and proceeded to go to the church to pick up the readings and the music selections for my mothers mass. I was to do the first reading at her funeral mass, my cousin Joseph was to do the second reading they were set to arrive on Wednesday from Washington D.C. with my moms yougest sister . My mom's brother and his wife were to arrive on Tuesday afternoon so things were really rolling and fast.
We went to the cemetary with my dad to pick their plots out that was the only thing not drawn out. My dad picked a piece of land(which he calls the farm) where my mom and he will lie for eternal rest in the Guradian Angel section it has beautiful trees she is burried under a magnificant oak so it is shaded in the summer. It was cold and there was snow on the ground so we could not walk out to really see it. The grave stone had been picked out and was to arrive shortly before her birthday that year, she would had been 75 on that birthday. My sisters were off to the florists, I went home and my dad wanted to rest. We put together the boards later that afternoon and then I had to sit down and write the Eulogy for my mom it took nearly two hours of sitting and wondering what to say. But I did come up with a beautiful tribute.
The second of four children
Two sisters one older (Marie) one younger (Rosie)
One younger Brother Anthony
She loved being at her grandparents home.
She loved her Aunt Katie and Aunt Mary
She loved going shopping with her Aunt Mary in Manhattan.
She had many Aunts and Uncles and lots of cousins.
She was a graduate Prospect Park High School Brooklyn New York.
She walked through the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens everyday to go to high school.
Her first Job was in Manhattan with C.W. Woolworth and Co.
She met a good life long friend Marcella.
Secretary for Bigelow Sanford Carpet Company.
She met another lifelong friend Rose.
Met William Marshall in July of 1954 who proposed to Frances on their first real date and she accepted over pizza.
They were married the following April 17, 1955.
She came to Michigan to meet her in-laws for her honeymoon.
Frances began her married life living in New York for two years before coming to Michigan to start her family.
Frances became a mother for the first time in April 1958 to a daughter named Deborah Ann thirteen months later Cynthia Renee and then four years later to the youngest of the girls Mary Lucille.
She loved to go shopping with her girls for back to school clothes.
She got her hair done every Friday with Edna.
She did not like the winter and loved the spring and summer.
She was a city girl but appreciated what nature had to offer.
When her girls were school age you could always find Frances volunteering for something for her girls.
She was a Brownie Co-leader where she met a lifelong friend Helen.
She loved to decorate the house for Christmas and always baked the family favorite cookies and gave them to friends.
She worked for Honeywell as a secretary for a short time then worked for the Westland Chamber of Commerce.
She was an awesome Wife to William for 54 years.
She was a loving mother to her children Deborah, Cynthia and Mary.
She loved her Grandchildren Daniel, Michael and Sara.
She was a good mother in law to Tony and Ken.
And she had a deep faith in God and knew that when God came for her that her family would all be there we were all blessed to have known her and loved her she will be greatly missed by all who had the honor of knowing who she was
Sunday, February 13, 2011
The Journey
We gathered my mothers belongings though few and proceeded to leave the hospital in tears. I reached my car and the first person I called was my friend Mary, I wanted to ask her to sing the "Ave Maria" at the funeral mass I was going to be in charge of the mass the readings who would be doing them and the music selection. She has a voice like an angel and my mom loved listening to her sing every chance she had so I wanted to honor my mother in this special way the "Ave Maria" was her favorite hymn. I finished my conversation with a heavy heart knowing that the next few days were going to be the hardest days of my life.
When I arrived home, my family was in the kitchen everyone had cell phones out and were calling various family and close family friends of my mothers passing I grabbed the phone book and started to call people. I was to call my mothers life long friend from New York and let her know my mother had passed she was crushed I heard she gasped at the news. After she let it sink in she said for me to call if we needed anything and that she would be there even just to talk she was like a second mother to me when we would visit I remembered having fun at her house with her girls and my sisters and we would play for hours on end we did not want to leave. My mom loved her and she loved my mom. Then I had to call another friend of my mothers who also lived in New York, she too was as upset these two incredible women were very close with my mom. As I hung up the phone with the second phone call my dad said to my sisters and myself that we had to pick out something for her to wear, but first we needed to go to the funeral home and make the arrangements. As we all piled in my dad's car to go to the funeral home we were all very quiet I remember thinking I was in a dream and this was not happening and I would wake up and this would have been a bad dream but it wasn't it was happening and I remember feeling very overwhelmed at that moment. We walked into the funeral home still quiet and solemn there were no rooms occupied but that was about to change. We walked into the office where we sat there to go over the details, did not realize how much was involved in the process we even had to word the obituary which was placed in the newspapers. We also had to pick out the prayer card, plan a rosary or scripture service then we had to choose her casket and where we were to have her buried. We picked a casket that resembled the type of person she was, it was a brass tone with the Last Supper placed all around with a white pillow and satin lining it was a far as caskets go beautiful. She would had been pleased then we all picked out the burial plot at a cemetery which is located close by my sisters home and not far at all from the rest of us and not to mention around the corner from where I work. We made the arrangements and left there not as quiet but sharing in the experience of grief.
When we arrived home we had to pick what she would be buried in. That was one of the hardest things we had to do. My mom had some very nice things and it was going to be a difficult task so after visiting her closet and going through everything we made a decision and picked one. It was a skirt and blouse with a beautiful red jacket she would wear pearl earrings with a nice neck chain my dad had her wedding band at home and was not buried with her.
When I arrived home, my family was in the kitchen everyone had cell phones out and were calling various family and close family friends of my mothers passing I grabbed the phone book and started to call people. I was to call my mothers life long friend from New York and let her know my mother had passed she was crushed I heard she gasped at the news. After she let it sink in she said for me to call if we needed anything and that she would be there even just to talk she was like a second mother to me when we would visit I remembered having fun at her house with her girls and my sisters and we would play for hours on end we did not want to leave. My mom loved her and she loved my mom. Then I had to call another friend of my mothers who also lived in New York, she too was as upset these two incredible women were very close with my mom. As I hung up the phone with the second phone call my dad said to my sisters and myself that we had to pick out something for her to wear, but first we needed to go to the funeral home and make the arrangements. As we all piled in my dad's car to go to the funeral home we were all very quiet I remember thinking I was in a dream and this was not happening and I would wake up and this would have been a bad dream but it wasn't it was happening and I remember feeling very overwhelmed at that moment. We walked into the funeral home still quiet and solemn there were no rooms occupied but that was about to change. We walked into the office where we sat there to go over the details, did not realize how much was involved in the process we even had to word the obituary which was placed in the newspapers. We also had to pick out the prayer card, plan a rosary or scripture service then we had to choose her casket and where we were to have her buried. We picked a casket that resembled the type of person she was, it was a brass tone with the Last Supper placed all around with a white pillow and satin lining it was a far as caskets go beautiful. She would had been pleased then we all picked out the burial plot at a cemetery which is located close by my sisters home and not far at all from the rest of us and not to mention around the corner from where I work. We made the arrangements and left there not as quiet but sharing in the experience of grief.
When we arrived home we had to pick what she would be buried in. That was one of the hardest things we had to do. My mom had some very nice things and it was going to be a difficult task so after visiting her closet and going through everything we made a decision and picked one. It was a skirt and blouse with a beautiful red jacket she would wear pearl earrings with a nice neck chain my dad had her wedding band at home and was not buried with her.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
The Journey
As my family gathered during the day coming and going I could see that it was ripping all of us in a way that nothing else had ever done. Later that day the doctors came in for an evaluation of the situation. Although I was not there at the time went home to rest a bit before going back up again for the evening, my sister called and said the doctors were not holding much hope for her and they were pretty much writing her off. I began to cry and say why, they gave us no hope. What were we going to do next? There were still signs of life her heart was still beating on it's own and she was showing little signs of stabilizing but not enough for the doctors they were pretty infatic about the prognosis and that was very hard to take. We had to make some decisions and we had to turn to our faith to do it. The next day there were some very positive signs early her blood pressure was stable she was showing signs of responding mom was continuing to fight and we were hopeful again, but as the day progressed she was showing signs of deterioration of her progress once again the blood pressure then she was having more difficulties internal bleeding was occurring and that was not good at all. When we left her that night we were hoping that it would change around by morning but alas that would not happen. We received that call early that Saturday morning it was snowy and icy outside about 4:30am they said we had better get to the hospital she was dying and did not know how long she would hold on. That had to had been the longest drive to the hospital, my family again was gathered in her room looking at her laying there almost lifeless just reminded me at how much we take people in our lives for granted and that we never think something like this would happen to someone we hold dear to us. We were told a decision needed to be made and soon because there was nothing more they could do she would probably never come out of her coma and she was bleeding internally and it was not stopping she was suffering. My dad had to make that decision with our help as that Saturday dragged on and the fact we were tired we came to a decision that was one of the hardest we had ever made we decided to take her off of the artificial things that were keeping her alive, we were going to do that Sunday morning after a Cardiologist paid a visit along with a Neurologist to see if their was brain activity. Sunday morning we gathered with the doctors the diagnosis was brain had ceased to show any activity probably stopped somewhere between Friday and Saturday and her heart although beating strong and showing no signs of letting go any time soon however with everything else occurring she was gone from us she would had been in a coma for the rest of her days had she remained on the machines so immediately by 10:30am that Sunday morning February 28,2010 the papers were signed and we were having her taken off the machines except the feeding tube. She was taken off life support at approx 11:20am and her death was called by 11:30am she passed into eternal life, I held her hand the whole entire time and it was the most beautiful experience to be there when someone passes I felt her spirit leave the energy in her hands and knew the exact minute before it was pronounced that she was gone from us I said I will see you again mom and I did love you so much more then you knew. I will miss you the rest of the days of my life.
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