My decisions were made and I was beginning to put a plan in place that plan would involve me getting things in order. I began to see myself differently a little more grown and a little more wiser. Now the holidays were coming and that was going to be difficult but I promised myself to keep it as normal as possible. I participated in the usual traditions, holiday nights at Greenfield Village, sing a long with a hay ride with friends, Christmas caroling with my friends, baking cookies all the things that are special about the holidays. It was fun and I felt like my mom was there with us.
The holidays were upon us and we really were at a loss of weather to decorate the house or not. We decorated because my mother would had wanted it that way. I did the tree which was a surprise to me because it was the very first time I did it by myself it was a fun project and one I know I will enjoy for years to come. I also enjoyed decorating the house with the holly and the little figures placed around the family gathering space the kitchen was decorated too. I choose Christmas Eve to set up the village something she loved to do and I set aside that night to make it special. I loved doing this by myself it gave me so much pleasure. Now I had already wrapped all the gifts and done my part for dinner so I put on my new pajamas my mom always got me a new pair every year and I stayed with the tradition with my sisters to get theirs with the gift cards that she did not use they came in handy when I needed to get them theirs it felt as if she bought them and they were from her. Christmas day was finally here and we were in a festive mood, my dad was feeling down but it was the first holiday without her then we got a call during dinner my dear Aunt whom my dad loved dearly had passed away on Christmas day it was now a sad time again and we were not in the mood for the holiday.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The Journey
As the weeks and months passed things were at a stand still. Going through the motions is what the experts say you look for a sense of some normalcy that is never going to be what you think is normal again. My dad took ill about two months after my mothers death and he landed himself in the hospital with extremely low blood pressure the doctors could not figure out what was going on so he was admitted the first time for three days then back home, two days later back in the hospital but this time it was something more critical he had a blockage in the main artery in the left leg that needed to be opened up so he was back in the hospital. We had a month of this back and forth to the hospital then finally he began to get better. Spring was finally beginning to show it self and the mood was getting lighter. We all began to feel like smiling and we began a new normal.
May was here and things were finally looking a little better. First Holy Communion season was upon me and I was busy getting ready for the kids receiving. I was feeling like things were moving in the right direction although had some signs of sadness but worked through it. Went to parties that afternoon, first time I really socialized with people since my mothers passing and it felt good to be out and socializing again it made me feel happy to be with people. The last few months had been taxing and I needed to be with people again. As that weekend progressed I began feeling ill a tightness in my chest and excessive sneezing and a very sore throat I was getting a cold. And did I ever get sick. My sister had to take me to the urgent care because it felt as if my lung collapsed I was in a great deal of discomfort that I was crying because it hurt so much when I would take a breath, found out that I had bruised my ribs from the coughing and my breathing was very labored and I had a massive sinus infection I missed about three days of work then started to feel better.
Finally feeling better things were moving right along, the first mothers day was hard, her first birthday without her was most difficult for all of us then the summer was here. I would stop at the cemetery on my way home from work I had tied an angel to her shepherds hook that had her mothers day plant on it. I said it was to keep her company while we were not there, that sounds silly but gave me comfort in knowing we did not dessert her in any way. I was really missing her and our talks.
My dad seemed to be doing a lot better seeing friends, playing golf, went on little trips for long weekends. I too was enjoying the summer best as I could with no real vacation in sight however, I was building a stronger relationship with God. You see since my mom passed I was afraid of death then I come to the conclusion that it is not death that we are afraid of so much but the how we die will we suffer, will we die alone, will people come to honor my memory you begin to ask those questions that is when by the end of the summer said I should do something for me and only me to get myself together. That is when I had made my decision.
May was here and things were finally looking a little better. First Holy Communion season was upon me and I was busy getting ready for the kids receiving. I was feeling like things were moving in the right direction although had some signs of sadness but worked through it. Went to parties that afternoon, first time I really socialized with people since my mothers passing and it felt good to be out and socializing again it made me feel happy to be with people. The last few months had been taxing and I needed to be with people again. As that weekend progressed I began feeling ill a tightness in my chest and excessive sneezing and a very sore throat I was getting a cold. And did I ever get sick. My sister had to take me to the urgent care because it felt as if my lung collapsed I was in a great deal of discomfort that I was crying because it hurt so much when I would take a breath, found out that I had bruised my ribs from the coughing and my breathing was very labored and I had a massive sinus infection I missed about three days of work then started to feel better.
Finally feeling better things were moving right along, the first mothers day was hard, her first birthday without her was most difficult for all of us then the summer was here. I would stop at the cemetery on my way home from work I had tied an angel to her shepherds hook that had her mothers day plant on it. I said it was to keep her company while we were not there, that sounds silly but gave me comfort in knowing we did not dessert her in any way. I was really missing her and our talks.
My dad seemed to be doing a lot better seeing friends, playing golf, went on little trips for long weekends. I too was enjoying the summer best as I could with no real vacation in sight however, I was building a stronger relationship with God. You see since my mom passed I was afraid of death then I come to the conclusion that it is not death that we are afraid of so much but the how we die will we suffer, will we die alone, will people come to honor my memory you begin to ask those questions that is when by the end of the summer said I should do something for me and only me to get myself together. That is when I had made my decision.
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